Perhaps no emotion is moredysregulating and potentially damaging than anger, yet many of us receive very little education abouthow to understand and manage it effectively! Sure, we’ve all been told to takea breath, count to 10 and walk away, but these strategies don’t always workwithout a deeper personal understanding of our anger patterns.
Like other emotions, anger is anormal, healthy human feeling that is neither good nor bad and in fact, hasadaptive properties. Anger helps us handle emergency situations byproviding a quick burst of energy and strength, so we can react to threats ofdanger. Anger pushes us to reach goals by creating motivation throughfrustration. In relationships, anger encourages us to address outstandingissues, which facilitates intimacy and growth. When not managed properly, angercan cause serious damage. Unresolved, recurrent anger can lead to healthproblems (hypertension, cardiovascular disease), interpersonal issues(damaged/terminated relationships, problems at work, isolation), decreased lifesatisfaction, and physical and emotional harm to self and others.
Why is anger sooverpowering and compelling? Ourbrains are actually wired to get us to act before we can properly consider theconsequences of our actions! The emotion center of the brain, the amygdale, responsible for alarming us topossible threats gets us reacting beforethe prefrontal cortex, responsiblefor rational thinking, is able to check if our reaction is reasonable. The hormonal arousal from anger can last manyhours and even days, leaving us vulnerable to ongoing irritation and new angryepisodes. In addition, anger brings secondary gain. It helps releasepent up stress, acts as a shield by covering up painful emotions (i.e. fear,loss, guilt, shame), gets attention, pushes people to act, and feels righteous.Though it’s tough to disengage it, indulging in anger leads to more anger,leaves others defensive and distant, and sets up possible harm – emotional,physical or both, creating a cycle of defensiveness and resentment that’s hardto break.
Managing anger properly is not aninstinct, but a skill that has to be learned. The good news isthat bad anger habits can be un-learned, with proper self-understanding,monitoring and behavioral change. If you’d like to change how you manage youranger, it’s important to increase your personal anger awareness. You will need to become your own investigator. First,see if you can learn your personal “early warning” signs. These could includebody sensations: heart rate increase, tightness in your jaw, shallow breathing,a wrinkle in your brow, closing fists, headache or stomach ache, forming earlyon in the process. You can also look for early stage angry feelings, likeannoyance or irritation. Interrupting anger in its early stages isexponentially easier than when your frustration has grown into ballistic rage.
Situations that set us off tend torepeat, and it’s helpful to keep track of them in an effort to identify your recurringpersonal anger triggers. Do youget angry when your needs aren’t being met? Basic needs could be:tired, hungry, hot/cold, or sick. For example, you might notice that you aregetting into arguments when you skip a meal or in the evening, before bed, whenyou are tired. Emotional needs might include: feeling rushed or overwhelmed,lack of attention or being heard, experiencing loss, loneliness, not feelingloved. An example would be losing control of anger when you are in a rush toget to work or right before a separation through travel or when your partnerseems to need alone time. Perhaps you are triggered when your expectationsare unmet (i.e. people running late, driving slowly, not responding toyour outreach) or when you feel “out of control” (i.e. overwhelmedwith responsibilities, not in charge of a task, ignored/superseded in terms ofyour needs). May be your triggers include being treated unjustly or threatenedin some way? Make a mental or written note about your specific recurringpatterns.
Take a moment to reflect on wheresome of your anger patterns may come from. Since anger management is learned, considersome of your role models, for better or for worse. How did the significantpeople in your life manage anger? Are there any anger habits that you may havepicked up? Do any of your fights resemble those that you’ve witnessed? Perhapsyour parents argued about money or leaving the house late. Do these same themesset you off? Next time you get angry in a way that feels familiar, try toreflect on any triggers or grudges from the long-ago past that may havefollowed you into the present.
Finally take a look at your cognition.If the thoughts swirling in your mind are focused on: feeling threatened, notgetting your way, predicting the negative, seeking revenge or blaming, the moreyou engage them, the more fuel you will provide your anger to grow. Interpretationplays an important role as well. When we are angry, we typically make anassessment involving three components: 1) that we are being harmedor victimized, 2) that this situation or person is causing us harm deliberately,and 3) that the provoking situation or person is wrong to harm us and shouldbehave differently. The problem with these trigger thoughts is thatthey are often inaccurate. Since sociopaths make up a miniscule percentage ofthe population, take solace in the fact that most people act the way they actfor a variety of complicated personal reasons, some of which are not undertheir conscious control. Most people are truly doing their best based on their needs,fears, prior history, what they know and what they don’t know. Ifthey are stuck, do you have to be, too?
McKay, M., & Rogers, P. D. (2000).The anger control workbook. Oakland, CA, US: New Harbinger Publications.
