“He’s like a brother to me.”
You may think you’re being reassuring by saying these words about your male bestie to your boyfriend or partner. However, he may feel differently. And with good reason.
So says personal trainer and dating guru David de las Morenas, as reported in a recent New York Post article. According to de las Morenas, women with male friends may not be relationship material.
Controversial as the statement is, if your guy is voicing concerns about the intentions of a male friend or friends, he may have a reason. After all, the question of whether men and women can “just” be friends didn’t come about yesterday or from nowhere.
This is not to say that, if you’re a woman, you should automatically have to give up all your male friends in the name of a healthy relationship. Not at all. However, it may be a good idea to assess your male friendships on a case-by-case basis to determine whether they are as platonic as you think or claim.
Below are a few questions to ask yourself.
1. Is your partner concerned about all of your male friends or just one?
If your partner is concerned that you speak to anyone who is male, then chances are he may have a serious case of insecurity, and his fear of your friends has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. This may signal that you have bigger problems in your relationship than simply your male friendships.
However, if your partner has no problem with most of your male friends, except for one particular friend, you should examine that friendship more closely. Start by asking him what it is about that friend that makes him feel insecure about your relationship. Then do your own assessment of your and your male friend’s behavior, beginning with the next question.
2. Were you and your male friend ever more than friends?
Has anything remotely sexual ever happened between you and your male friend? Be honest! Some people do remain friends with their exes and former flames, but these types of friendships are risky in terms of the likelihood of rekindling that flame.
Even if your male friend has never seen you naked, kissed you, or taken you on a date in the past, ask yourself: Are there things you would deem as ambiguous that happened between you in the past, and you either have not disclosed this information to your partner, or you have, and your partner does not want you hanging around him?
It is hard to define ambiguity in male friendships except to say that you feel it when it’s there. If you feel something, this friend will likely cause problems in your relationship.
3. Do you and your male friend find each other attractive?
Even if nothing has happened between you and your male friend in the past, all it can take is a few too many drinks for him to say, “I need to tell you something. You look cute tonight.” Then you both kiss despite him being someone you’d “never even consider being more than friends with.” Until that moment, that is.
Keep in mind that a heterosexual male-female platonic relationship is platonic until a switch flips, and all of a sudden, you’re more than friends. So you need to be honest with yourself. Even if you personally see your male friend as a friend and nothing more, can you imagine how you could be attracted to him in the right setting? Or, just as relevant, could you see him being attracted to you?
4. What is your male friend’s relationship status?
If your male friend is happily married or in a relationship, he is much less likely to pose a threat to your relationship than he may if he is single. That is not to say cheating does not happen; the key concept here is happily in a relationship, not in a relationship. If your male friend is unhappy in his current situation, he may actually pose more of a problem to your relationship than he would if he was happily single.
5. Do you ever bring your boyfriend around your male friends?
If your male friend or friends and boyfriend all get along harmoniously, then it is much less likely one of them will pose a threat to your relationship because there exists a relationship beyond hearing names in daily anecdotes.
In-person encounters remove the wall of separation that makes cheating easier because you would be potentially betraying your boyfriend with a face, not only a name. If your boyfriend has never met your male friends, or one specifically, he may feel insecure that you are hiding something from him, such as you have a romantic interest. Allowing your boyfriend to see you interact with your male friends can put him at ease. Or not.
6. Exactly how close are you with your male friends?
If you aren’t that close with your male friends, and they are basically acquaintances you hang out with in a group setting from time to time, then they likely are not a major cause for concern. But, if you are best friends with your male friends and have deep, intimate conversations with them that violate the boundaries of your relationship, or if you are turning to someone other than your partner for emotional support, it is more likely there could be romantic feelings involved, which could potentially jeopardize your relationship.
Final thoughts …
When it comes to having male friends while having a boyfriend, you should not consider yourself to be doomed. But ultimately, you do need to listen to your gut while assessing the dynamic of your male friendships. And don’t kid yourself; if you do have that will-they-won’t-they friend, eventually, they will pose a threat to your relationship because people are perceptive, and your boyfriend will eventually pick up on the dynamic if he hasn’t already.
In these types of situations, someone is bound to get hurt. So before that happens, make a choice about what or, rather, who is worth more to you. If the answer isn’t clear, it may very well be that you already have your answer.
