4 Red Flags In A Relationship—And How To Spot Them (2024)

A red flag in a relationship can be the act of trying to gain control or power over a partner and the relationship. That imbalance of power can look very different from relationship to relationship, and may be challenging to recognize as you get closer to someone over time.

“It is quite common for our guts to tell us something is off in a relationship, but we choose to ignore it because we want things to be different,” says Jennifer Kelman, a licensed clinical social worker based in Boca Raton, Florida and a mental health expert on JustAnswer. “Sometimes the very things that attract us to someone are the very things that are red flags right from the start.”

Kelman explains that it’s crucial not to dismiss a gut feeling that something may be off in a relationship: “Red flags need to get the attention they deserve and they need to not be pushed away or given excuses for,” she says.

While red flags directly harm the health of a relationship, they often follow yellow flags, which are more subtle indicators that the relationship is in trouble. “Yellow flags are the beginning of a slippery slope, more often a result of neglect than harmful action,” says Sam Zand, D.O. a clinical psychiatrist and chief medical officer in Las Vegas and co-founder of the mental health platform Better U. “These may include signs of inattention, isolation, poor communication or insecurity.”

Red flags in a relationship can span the gamut of verbal, emotional, financial and physical control and abuse. While domestic violence is more clear to detect, other red flags may not be so black and white. Below, we outline four common signs to look out for.

1. Extreme Jealously

We all get green with envy from time to time, but consistent and excessive illustrations of jealousy—such as one partner guilting the other over outside friendships including ones with family and friends—makes it especially challenging to build trust. When jealousy creeps into a romantic relationship, it can often fester into controlling tactics to assert dominance.

“Do not ignore this red flag because it could also lead to an abusive and controlling situation,” says Kelman. “It is not cute for your partner to care so much about you that they are jealous of family or friends.”

2. Dishonesty

“Lying is part of the human experience,” says Dr. Zand. In fact, research suggests people lie an average of once or twice a day^[1]Verigin BL, Meijer EH, Bogaard G, Vrij A. Lie prevalence, lie characteristics and strategies of self-reported good liars. PLoS One. 2019;14(12). . “But when we habitually lie to our partner, the relationship will lose trust,” he says.

A pattern of lying—about matters big and small—can also indicate a person is trying to hide something. Or, persistent lying can be used to establish or maintain control in the relationship, often to ensure a partner behaves or feels a certain way.

3. ‘Love Bombing’

Frequently portrayed as romantic gestures on TV and in movies, “love bombing,” or coming on too strong, often at the start of a relationship, can show up as:

• Saying “I love you” or establishing soulmate status within just a few weeks of meeting.
• Offering over-the-top compliments that make you feel overwhelmed or uneasy. For example, “My prayers have been answered now that you’re in my life.”
• Giving over-the-top gifts or gifting in a manipulative way. For instance, financing major life expenses, such as a mortgage payment, and then using it as collateral later.
• Calling, texting, emailing or any other form of communication in such excess that you feel overwhelmed by it.

While it may feel great to be the object of an endless supply of attention and love, Kelman notes love bombing can quickly lead to devaluing and degrading behavior. “Sometimes the person that comes on so strong at the beginning also leaves quickly and [their partner] is left scratching their head and heartbroken wondering what happened to all that love,” she says.

4. Controlling Behavior

It’s one thing to be envious of someone’s tight-knit friendships. It’s another to control who they can and cannot spend time with. “If your new love interest tries to control your relationships with others, run and do not walk to leave before things get out of hand,” says Kelman.

Controlling behavior may also extend into a partner barring where or when you go somewhere or how you spend your money.

While it may not always be a red flag itself, a breakdown in communication can help you detect potential red flags. “Relationships need great communication in order to thrive and survive, so if communication is poor from the start, then it will most likely continue,” says Kelman.

Dr. Zand shares the same sentiment: “Gentle and direct communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship,” he says. By focusing on growth in a partnership, people can more easily spot areas of relationship decay. “If we are feeling hurt, unloved or neglected, it’s important to communicate with our partner,” he explains. “If our partner is not wanting to improve and help the relationship grow, this is a red flag.”

Before packing your bags in the face of a yellow flag or two, remember this: A healthy relationship doesn’t have to be a perfect one.

If you experience jealousy, dishonesty, love bombing or controlling behavior, Kelman says to keep a watchful eye on it. Then, she adds, “be prepared to honor your gut and make a decision that might be hard in the short-term but beneficial for the long-term.”

To approach and resolve relationship red flags, both experts suggest you:

• Communicate directly and try to drop your guard and lead with empathy and love.
• Recognize patterns of behavior and objectively assess if there is an effort on both sides to improve.
• Remember it’s okay to reach out for help. Rather than go it alone, partners can work with a licensed professional in couples or marriage counseling sessions.
• Consider calling it quits if your desire to change the relationship for the better is met with resistance and blame.

Above all else, know that you deserve a safe, healthy relationship. If you’re experiencing any form of relationship abuse, you can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24 hours a day, seven days a week by calling 1-800-799-SAFE, texting START to 88788, or messaging a real person via live chat at thehotline.org.