Money & Stress: Take This to the Bank | bpHope.com (2024)

Stressing out about finances? These strategies can help you take control of your wallet—and your worries.

Money & Stress

We all have an occasional sleepless night. For Jerod of Washington state, it’s almost always due to worrying about money.

The strain of wondering how to make ends meet “becomes so great that I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep,” says the 37-year-old. “It stresses me out every day and feels like an endless battle.”

A poll by the American Psychological Association found that money was a leading source of stress for 75 percent of respondents. And more recent surveys in Canada and the UK have found that financial concerns rank high on the list of stressors, usually coming second after job pressures.

The psychological fallout often peaks early in the year, when post-holiday credit card bills come due. And resisting further temptation can be hard in a society designed to promote consumption, right down to ads that follow us across websites after we’ve done some retail browsing.

Fortunately, there are steps we can take to keep money worries from overwhelming our life and upending our mental health.

#1 Stop the Self-Blame

Beating yourself up over bad spending decisions? Fretting that your job has a lower salary than you’d like? Wishing you had saved more—or spent less on gifts or a special event? Ditch the self-blame, now.

“Thoughts and beliefs like ‘I should be able to make money,’ or ‘I’m never going to be successful,’ are negative and fuel anxiety and depression,” says Stephen C. Josephson, PhD, a behavioral psychologist in New York City. “When you have those thoughts, don’t pick them up. Let them go by on the conveyor belt.”

Blame and shame only get in the way of moving forward, says financial psychologist Brad Klontz, PsyD, a certified financial planner and author of Mind Over Money: Overcoming the Money Disorders that Threaten our Financial Health.

“There’s so much shame around money—shame that we don’t have enough, shame we have too much, and shame that we have made mistakes. That shame keeps us stuck and mired down,” he points out.

In his book, Klontz talks about “the big lie about personal finance … that our financial problems are due to us being lazy, crazy or stupid.” Making less-than-perfect money decisions is a common human trait, he points out. And anyone can face a financial hardship like loss of a job or unexpected medical bills.

#2 Know the Numbers

It’s normal to want to throw up your metaphorical hands and go into denial when you’re feeling overwhelmed by money concerns. Moira Somers, PhD, CPsych, an expert in financial psychology, notes that depression can contribute to that attitude—but it’s the exact opposite of what will help you.

One of the first things you need to do is get a better handle on how much you need to pay your bills.

“You have to get really clear about what the ‘monthly nut’ has to be to cover the basics,” says Somers, a clinical neuropsychologist in Winnipeg, Manitoba. “Try to get out of the realm of emotion and get clear on what you need to bring in.”

Over the course of several months, keep track of every expense—from major outlays like your rent or mortgage right down to your daily coffee fix. Once you know how much you’re spending and what you’re spending it on, you can look for ways to cut back on expenses. Consumer credit counseling services can be helpful in guiding you through this process, but make sure you find a reputable nonprofit organization to avoid scams.

If you’re struggling with debt, think creatively about ways to produce income. Maybe you can take in a boarder. Maybe you can find a part-time job. Maybe you can sell some of your belongings online.

If you’re looking for work (or a better-paying job), market yourself and network with everyone who may be able to help you find the position you seek. Check around for free or subsidized resume counseling and workshops for job seekers.

#3 Beware of “Retail Therapy”

It’s normal to want to splurge as a way to make yourself feel better. Resisting that urge not only keeps money in your wallet but also keeps your mood from a destructive downward spiral.

“People do the wrong things to make themselves feel better. They eat and spend and drink.… [We] think they’ll make us feel better, but they don’t—and it creates a cycle of depletion,” says Somers, whose book Advice that Sticks: How to Give Financial Advice that People Will Follow shows financial professionals how to help their clients overcome barriers to change.

“I know rationally this makes no sense, but shopping calms me down when I am anxious about money,” says Andrea, 36, who lives in New York City. “But after the fact, I get upset about the money spent. It’s a vicious loop that has me swiveling from anxious to depressed.”

“If you’re shopping to get a little boost and you’re in debt already, it will have the opposite effect,” agrees consumer psychologist Kit Yarrow, PhD, author of Decoding the New Consumer Mind.

Instead of shopping for things you probably don’t need—and may not be able to afford—consider what you already own and think about how you might repurpose it.

“Look for ways to get more out of the stuff you already have—see what you have and what you really need,” says Yarrow. As an added benefit, she says, “Cataloging and knowing what you have makes people feel more in control.”

#4 Address Emotions

Whether to avoid a shopping splurge in particular or to defuse money worries in general, look for positive ways to cope with the emotions you’re feeling. Call a supportive friend or family member, pursue a hobby, go for a walk, journal about your state of mind, or take some time to meditate or pray.

Staying in the moment can keep you from worrying about “what-ifs.” Somers says that feelings of depression often lead to feeling “gloomy about the future.… Focusing on the here and now and being mindful keeps us from picking up the pen and writing scary endings.”

Andrea admits to fretting about potentially expensive disasters like car repairs or medical bills. “I am always worried about the lack of money, no matter what the status of my bank account is,” she says—and she doesn’t see that changing anytime soon. Instead, she focuses on ways to bring down her anxiety levels.

“I log into my bank account and check the status,” she says. “Then, I try to separate the reality of the bank account from my fear, a lot of which stems from having a topsy-turvy childhood as far as money is concerned. Meditation also helps me to stay in the present to calm myself.”

Jerod cops to a similar high-alert mode about his finances: “My anxiety about money builds up and builds up,” he says. Exercise is his go-to solution.

“Going to the gym raises my levels of every happy juice in my body that can keep me functioning with the stressors of the day,” he says.

#5 Recognize “Money Scripts”

Becoming aware of unconscious attitudes toward money that you’ve carried since childhood—your “money scripts”—can help you be more deliberate in how you approach your finances.

Klontz says that as we grow up, we develop an inner narrative influenced by our parents and grandparents. That affects not only our spending and saving patterns but how we respond to money issues on an emotional level.

Shannon’s anxiety about money likely traces back to hard times after her father lost his job. “We knew that bill collectors had called and there wasn’t food in our fridge. Before that, we had dinner four or five times out a week,” recalls the 36-year-old, who lives in Ontario.

Both as a university student and a financially secure adult, Shannon says, she worried about paying bills even when logic would suggest that money wasn’t a problem. “I would be thinking about my bank account, subtracting numbers and adding numbers and losing a lot of sleep.… It just seemed like there wasn’t enough for me.”

To explore your money scripts, think about what you picked up as a youngster. Were your parents anxious or worried about money, or did they spend freely no matter the consequences? Did they talk about money? What value did they put on earning and saving?

Then you can ask yourself a new set of questions: What did you learn about money that still seems valid? Which beliefs can you question?

Understanding how you feel about money, and why, can give you some distance from oversized emotional responses, says Klontz. Discussing your attitudes with people you trust also can help you throw away your scripts and change your attitudes in a positive way.

“Money is a very taboo topic in our culture and that’s what makes it more challenging than most other topics,” Klontz notes. “It’s a huge blind spot for most of us, and something we never really talk about.”

#6 Take Charge

One thing that has helped Shannon is setting goals about how she manages her money.

“I do a lot of cognitive-behavioral therapy kind of work,” she says. “I’ll say, ‘This is where I want to be, and this is what I need to do.’ ”

She also keeps a calendar where she tracks what needs paying and when. She contacted her utility companies to request equal billing, so that her estimated annual expense is divided into 12 predictable amounts.

“I also try to space out the bills, which makes me a little calmer,” she says. “When the bills come all at once, my anxiety starts racing.”

Anything that helps you feel more in control will contribute toward making peace with money issues. Taking the time to evaluate your finances and making proactive decisions about how you manage your money can give you a feeling of empowerment.

One important strategy is switching to an all-cash diet. Leave your credit cards at home—or better yet, cancel all but one and keep that just for emergencies—and use only the coin of the realm for your day-to-day spending.

“Using cash helps you understand the value of your money,” says Yarrow. It also makes you more purposeful about how you’re spending your money.

Another good approach: Creating a savings goal. Even if it feels impossible, commit to setting aside a certain amount per week or month toward something concrete—whether it’s a vacation, new clothes, or just an evening out. Meeting a financial goal you’ve set for yourself—even a small one—is very buoying, says Yarrow.

#7 Reframe Important Values

It’s common to associate your self-worth with what you make or what you do for a living, especially for men.

“There’s a long history of our preoccupation with money, and to base self-esteem on your net worth,” says Josephson.

Accepting that outlook can set you up for low self-esteem, guilt, and anger if you’re not making what you think you should. Instead, define what’s important to you in non-monetary terms.

“What are your values? Is it family or nature or being a good father and a good friend?” Josephson asks.

Reassessing what truly matters will help you reframe your identity and recognize that you’re not what you make, or how much money you have in the bank.