How to Talk About Money With Your Partner (2024)

How to Talk About Money With Your Partner

You don’t. But you should.

The vast majority of my clientele over the years were couples. About to be married, married, getting re-married, first-time buyers, seasoned investors, new to Canada, and so forth.

Although some seemed to be in unison, it was often surprising sometimes to see how little each knew of their respective finances, whether it be income, debt, or investments. Unfortunately, and far more often than I thought possible, there were secrets.

Firstly, it’s ok to have separate accounts, investments, etc. But I think it’s important that each one of you know where things stand on matters that affect the relationship and family.

You know what, for many couples, it’s hard to have the money talk. It’s downright awkward.

Money has always been one of the most sensitive topics in a relationship.

Many couples do talk about money, but only out of resentment for what their partner may be doing or not doing. Many couples argue about money.

Unfortunately, few sit down, discuss, create a budget, create a plan, and work together for the common good.

The current economic environment brings this up to a whole new level. Some are affected by inflation and interest rates more than others. But the struggle is real. So, this makes it especially difficult to know exactly what your partner is thinking and how good they feel or how stressed they may be feeling financially.

This can make talking about money with your partner a challenge. Even if you are not struggling but want to connect just to make sure things are onside.

So, how does one bring up the financial situation topic without being nosy, intruding, intimidating, etc.? How would you tell your partner times are tough, sorry, no dinner date, no vacation, and so on? Conversely, what if things are going well but you just want to have a discussion and put a plan in play? We are not going to tell you there is a particular way to go about this. But we will outline some strategies that may help.

Regardless of how you go about this, I encourage you to regularly make time for these talks. Then, no more awkward conversations and you will both be at peace knowing where you stand and where you are headed.

Don’t Be A Sore Winner or A Sore Loser

Whether you want to share the good news about your financial fortune or start a rant about how much your partner is spending, settle down and collect your thoughts and design your methodology and game plan first.

You may have great news. A promotion, higher pay, maybe a bonus. Or, you might have bad news. Maybe you lost your job, have unexpected expenses, or feel your partner is overspending. Regardless, you need to be mindfully initiating this conversation. Your partner is likely going through their highs or lows too. Initially, all you are trying to do is draw out the facts about how things are looking and what you can do to improve. You are not trying to start a world war.

Remember, we are not trying to make anyone feel bad or upset about the financial situation. This will create a divide instead of uniting you for this purpose.

The goal here is to make each other feel good about discussing finances.

Undivided Attention

Not the time for phones or other distractions. Not even to google search answers to your financial questions. It’s also not the time to interrupt your partner when they are articulating their point or for them to interrupt you. Your greatest skill will be listening. Their greatest skill will be listening.

Can you listen, just listen? Many people can’t. They instinctively try to fix someone else’s problems without even hearing the full sentence. This is regardless of knowing anything about the topic or not. Everyone is a life expert these days. I am not saying that in a derogatory way as I probably do it. It just seems to be part of human behavior these days. That’s how conversations go. Next time you are listening to a conversation, pay attention to the parties. You will be surprised how true this is most times.

So, practice listening without providing your solutions right now. Practice not making the conversation about you. Soon as you do that, you have lost the room. Listen and learn. Then ensure your partner provides you with the same courtesy.

Bring up all the points you may be struggling with personally and as a couple (financially). Have them do the same. But also, bring up the points that are going well and really well. Ask questions but back off if emotions get too hot, you can circle back to the harder stuff later. This shows respect for each other.

But make it abundantly clear too, this is not about sweeping anything under the rug or just having a fluffy conversation. This is about creating and executing a game plan to help you collectively achieve your financial goals and freedom. That means you will and must get to the harder stuff later.

Offering Your Advice Is Probably Not the Way to Go

Even if it is your profession, and you are a financial advisor, accountant, lawyer, or anyone who advises clients about financial matters, it’s not your place in a personal relationship. It just creates an emotional imbalance.

You must get your partner involved and they need to be in on the creation of the plan. More often than not, they will bring some great ideas to the table regardless. So, if you want to make things worse, start giving your advice and recommendations. Otherwise, you should avoid telling them what to do unless they specifically asked you for their help.

If you were a world-renowned chef, and your partner decided to surprise you with a homemade meal using their mother’s favorite recipe, would you be criticizing the ingredients or how it was made? If you impose your thoughts and ideas on someone, you make them feel incapable of handling things on their own. Believe me, they can do this with or without you. But if you do this together, the results can be amazing.

If you know they are about to jump off a bridge and need to protect them, I get it. State your peace and move on. You can’t force your opinion on them, but you can give your advice.

Honesty

If you are doing well, or you are struggling, it is equally important to share with your partner.

Speak up and be heard. Your partner can’t know everything, even if you think they do. Be open and honest about your situation so you can create a better personal situation and a better mutual situation.

Start with the practical stuff ASAP – Implementation

So, you have had your talk, and hopefully, you have outlined the good, the bad, and the ugly.

You have either come up with a game plan or perhaps hired a mentor to help you design a game plan. Regardless, you need to jump right into the cold water and start implementing it. Sure, you are going to keep going with these meetings too. But you must see results. If you don’t, the meetings are of no use.

• Get practical and start implementing right away.
• Hold each other accountable to the game plan, which includes all financial matters and budgeting.
• Your way is not the only way. Compromise.
• Establish a joint money management plan and put it to work.

Last But Not Least – Our Friendly Advice

Unless you are living entirely off the grid, money going to be a huge part of your relationship. Whether you have it in abundance or can’t pay the water bill, it’s going to be a big part of your relationship. So, being able to communicate effectively with your partner about money is crucial.

Working together on this will help you come to some common ground about what to spend and what to spend it on.

Many get the idea that I promote being frugal and watching pennies. For me, far from it. I like buying stuff. I want you to have all the stuff you need too. I just know that if your relationship is open about money, you will both find common ground sooner and be able to make the good financial times roll much easier (and faster).

Happy planning