Two of the things that I am much more limited on since becoming a special needs parent is time and patience. I find that most of the time I am patient with my 6 year old son. And I give him most of my time. After him, the rest of my family is next. My 8 year old neurotypical daughter, my husband, my older kids and my grandkids take up a lot of my world. I like it this way. But there is not much left after that.
Add in self care (or at least, I try to add in self care) and my time and patience dwindles down even more. I just don’t have the inclination to spend what’s left on people and situations that don’t benefit me. I am much more apt to end relationships, leave situations that are not working, replace therapists and modify to-do lists than I ever was.
But sometimes it is hard to identify who and what should stay in my life and at what level.
When I first met my husband, it was he who introduced me to the concept of thinking of people as assets or liabilities. Later on I added in thinking of situations in these terms.
Who and what are worth their weight in gold to you?
An asset is simply someone or something, or perhaps a situation that is of value or use to you. A liability? Something or someone that puts you at a disadvantage. Perhaps a situation that is more trouble than it’s worth.
If you are a special needs parent or caregiver, you probably have less surplus time, patience and energy than ever before. I know I do. So, it is to your advantage to periodically review people and situations in your life to make sure that only the most valuable get your time and attention.
Let’s talk about relationships with people. Are the people in your life an asset to you? Do you feel at peace when you spend time with them? Do they enhance your life? Do they energize you? Do you learn from them? Are they living a lifestyle that you would like to emulate? Do you admire them? Have they achieved things that you would like to achieve? Do they lift your spirits? Does spending time with them bring you joy? Are they supportive? Are they there for you in a crisis? Do they understand, honor and support your living the special needs life, even if they are inexperienced with special needs people? If you can answer yes to at least some of these questions about a person, then this person could be an asset to you.
Are there people in your life that are a liability? When you are with them do they suck the energy right out of the room for you? Do they put you down? Do they say things that aren’t supportive when you talk about your hopes and dreams? When you are with them, do you feel on edge? Are they stagnant in their own lives? Do you feel depressed or upset after spending time with them? Are they manipulative? Do they require more emotional energy than you can possibly give? Does spending time with them tend to steal your joy? Do they tend to disappear if you need them? Do they disregard that you are living the special needs life in favor of what is important to them? If you can answer yes to at least some of these questions about a person, then this person could be a liability to you.
It is the same with situations. The therapist you are taking your child with special needs to – asset or liability? Is your child making progress? Do you dread going because of the therapist’s personality? Does the session end in joy or tears for your child? If you decide that the therapist is more of a liability than an asset, guess what? It’s time to give up that therapist and find someone else. Having difficulty getting your needs met with the school administration? Go over their heads (yes, you can do that!). The boss has a boss! Deal with someone who can be an asset to you. Your child can’t afford for this relationship to be a liability. Adjust accordingly. Doing business with someone who is unprofessional? You can’t always leave the arrangement but if it is within your control, take your business to someone who respects your time and delivers the product that you deserve to have. If you can’t leave it, it is time for a serious talk about your expectations. Be honest and forthcoming and you may turn this liability into an asset.
Once you start identifying the assets and liabilities in your life, it is time to make some adjustments. Where will you put more of your time? Where will you spend less of your time? It is not selfish to spend less time around people who are more of a liability to you than an asset, it is essential to your special needs life. Have relatives who you are beginning to recognize as more of a liability than an asset? You may not be able to completely cut them out but you certainly can limit your time spent with them. You may even realize that someone you haven’t been spending much time with lately is a huge asset to you. Adjust accordingly.
This process of examining your life and crafting it to your needs is very eye opening. Sometimes, in the endless whirl of living the special needs life you don’t stop to think about the stress others add to your world. Or, conversely, the joy. You have the power to balance your life by adjusting your world – spend more time with your assets and limit or end your time with those who are liabilities.
This is a tremendous act of self care. You know how people are always telling you to take care of yourself? They tell you to limit your stress by doing a favorite activity, exercising, meditating, anything that is stress relieving. I’m not knocking this – I do it and I need it. However, take it one step further! Embrace the power that examining assets and liabilities in your life gives to you – an opportunity to not just manage stress, but take some of it away.
How do you lessen the stress in your life? Please share in the comments below.
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