Whenever we break up with someone, whether we initiated the breakup or not, we struggle with the 30-day no contact rule. Why? Because we don’t want to adhere to this rule. It doesn’t matter if you are the dumper or the dumpee, you still need to process the breakup and it does affect you.
So, what is the 30-day no contact rule, and why is it important? This article will touch base on what it is, how to cut off all communication with an ex, and why it is recommended.
What Do You Mean 30 Day No Contact Rule?
Exactly what it says, no contact, cut off all communication for an amount of time determined by certain factors. However, it’s less of a rule and more of a technique or strategy to either move on with your life or reconcile. However, that is not the sole purpose and some women will try to make it all about getting the ex back.
Keep in mind, there are always exceptions to the rule. The exceptions to the rule have separate guidelines that need to be followed as well.
Exceptions To The No Contact Rule
As I said, there are always exceptions to the rule. Here are the circ*mstances where the 30-day no contact rule would need to be amended:
- You live together-if possible one of you has to move out during the no contact period. If it is not an option, maybe you can go to a friend’s or relative’s place for a short time. If you are forced to live together during the period of no contact. then keep conversations short, but don’t ignore them. If they ask you how’s your day? Or how was work- keep your answers brief- such as ok, good.
- You have a child together- All communication needs to be about the kid and no straying away from the topic. If you want to know what time he is going to pick your child up or if your child needs anything- that’s fine. If your child is at least 7 or 8 yrs old, the contact should be minimal.
- You work or go to school together
- You moved out and you need to gather your belongings or vice versa
- You run into them unintentionally.
For the last 3 exceptions- keep everything to a minimum. Say “Hi” and keep it moving. Don’t try to carry on a full-blown conversation because it will only defeat the purpose of the no-contact rule.
Break The No Contact Rule
Are there repercussions when you break the no contact rule? By definition of repercussions, yes if you break the no contact rule, any progress that you have made up until the breaking contact point is negated. Why? Because you are pouring salt on your wound- literally. Think of it in terms of cutting yourself, pulling the band-aid before the cut heals, and pouring salt on it. That is how you will feel if you break the no contact rule.
How Do You Know The Amount Of Time You Should Cut Off Communication?
Determining the amount of time needed to cease communication after a separation or break up depends on certain factors. This includes:
- How the relationship ended
- How long the relationship was
- What caused the breakup
However, in all of the above situations, you need to take at least a 30-day break. If the break up ended horribly or if the other party cheated then you should consider the period of no contact to last more than 30 days. Personally, I would consider more than a 30 day no contact rule.
What Happens After The 30-Day No Contact Rule?
After the no contact period has ended, you are faced with another decision. What do you do after the 30-day no contact rule? Here are your options:
- Make the no contact rule permanent or long term
- Try to work things out
- Or move on with your life, yet remain cordial or friends.
- Give your ex more space
How do you determine what you should do once the no contact has expired? There are many ways to answer, but the best way is to ask yourself a series of questions. This includes:
- Has it been at least 4 weeks?
- During the time frame, did you spend the time working on yourself?
- Have you tried to date someone else?
- Is your ex dating someone else?
- Have you determined the true reason for the breakup and do you know the route you would take to fix it if you reconcile?
- Have you gone through the grieving process of the breakup, or are you still feeling the same way that you did when the break up occurred?
- Has your ex reached out to you
If it has been at least 4 weeks since the no contact was initiated, and neither of you is dating someone else, and you want to get back together, you should take it slow, and make sure you have fully grieved the separation. If you still need time to work on yourself, then you can always extend the no-contact to as many days of no contact that you want. Whether it’s 60 days or no contact for another 30 days.
If 30 days have passed and your ex has not reached out to you, then you should give him or her their space. Every break up is different and no written rule says that it’s a 30-day cap. Some people can go for 3 months with no-contact.
How To Cut Off All Communication With The Ex?
When explaining the no contact rule, I will sound like a broken record, but to truly test the waters of the 30-day rule you need to take the following steps:
- Get out of your ex’s radar- block social media
- Take a break from social media for the first part of the no contact time
- Hide or unfollow your ex
- Don’t accidentally text, call or email your ex- this includes blank text messages to see if they will respond.
It means no phone calls, text messages, social media stalking, no liking your ex’s post on social media, no emails, no accidentally bumping into your ex, and most importantly, no reciprocating any contact attempts made by your ex.
Radio Silence
Depending on who you ask, you may get different viewpoints on the concept of radio silence. When you are implementing the no contact clause of the break up you are in an essence ignoring your ex. With radio silence, you are taking it one step further, and making it seem like you fell off the face of the earth. In the eyes of your ex, you have completely disappeared. How is this done?
You need to make it impossible for him or her to know what you are up to. This means no posting on social media at all! No pictures of you and your friends going out, no liking anyone’s post, and no third party communication, such as asking his friends how he’s doing.
Psychology Surrounding The No Contact Rule
The psychological effect of the no contact rule is to work on yourself and decide to either move on or get back together. It is by no means a time for playing games. So if you are serious about wanting to get back with your ex, or you think you are serious, then you need to completely devote this period of no-contact to clearing your mind and putting things back in perspective.
You need to regain independence and mental clarity and then revisit the topic of whether you want to reconcile.
Does The 30 Day No Contact Rule Work?
The no contact rule works depending on your purpose of putting it in place and adhering to the rules. If you forget the purpose of the no contact break and break the silence, you are setting yourself up for failure. Don’t base the success or failure of the no contact approach on you and your ex reconciling or your ex reaching out to you.
The purpose is to grieve, reinvent yourself, and take back your independence. Therefore if you manage to accomplish those things during the no contact period, then the answer to your question is yes it does work.
What is Going Through His Mind?
This is a question that women always wonder when going through the no contact period. I have been guilty of wondering what was going on through my ex’s mind. I wanted to know, if he missed me, does he still love me, is he thinking of me, or did he meet someone else?
Here’s what men that are still in love with their ex think about during this radio silence:
- Did I make the right decision?
- Does she still love me or does she miss me?
- Should I text her first? Or is she going out with someone else?
- I wonder what she is doing right now.
Conclusion
The bottom line is that no matter how much you love someone or how much you miss someone if you want things to get better you need to give them their space. The longer you put off the grieving process of a relationship, the harder it will be for you to sort out your feelings. Spend time healing.
As the saying goes, “Time heals all wounds!”
Do you need help with your ex? Contact us forone-on-one coaching
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FAQs
According to our own internal research 75% of our personal coaching clients hear from an ex at some point during the no contact rule.
Will he come back after 30 days no contact? ›
There is no exact time of No Contact that will make your ex come back. One thing that you should know is that the 30 days of No Contact rule or longer one is not designed to just get your ex back. It is a healing process for the dumpee and a reflective process for the dumper.
What happens if 30 day no contact doesn't work? ›
It means that if you determined that you were going to use a 30 day no contact rule and on day 12 you broke that no contact rule then you have to restart the 30 days from that point on. Hence, you are back at square one. The same principle kind of applies here after a failed no contact rule.
Does the no contact rule work all the time? ›
Some people may be asking, “Does No Contact work?”. While everyone's ex is different, the No Contact Rule does increase the likelihood of your ex missing you and wanting to come back. In essence, it will show them that you are not available for them whenever they want you and that you have your own life to live.
Can the no contact rule backfire? ›
Sure, you might need some space from each other. That approach could be very beneficial. But if you were to implement No Contact fully, it is bound to backfire.
How long does it take for a guy to realize he messed up? ›
Men often go through an emotional state called “Dumpers Remorse” after the woman finally goes away. This state hits after one month to six weeks after the man passes through the initial happy phase after a breakup. He starts to give away signs he knows he messed up the whole thing from that time.
Is a month long enough for no contact? ›
At the very least, the no contact rule requires that you keep radio silence for 30 days after the breakup. Depending on your situation, that void might have to extent for a few more weeks or months. The goal of no contact is to give you the power of silence after break up.
Is 4 weeks no contact enough? ›
For an amicable breakup: around 30 days.
Roughly 4 weeks of time alone should be enough to get back into the normal rhythm of the single life. It might feel messy and strange at first, but after 30 days you may find yourself feeling much better. While 30 days is a good rule of thumb, everybody is different.
Does no contact work on stubborn man? ›
You already know what goes through a guy's mind during the no-contact phase. But, stubborn men do not give in to their no-contact rule male psychology traits easily. Their stubborn nature prevents them from doing so. Even if he misses you, he will not admit it.
What no contact does to a woman? ›
Going 'no-contact' with someone you spent a lot of time with and planned a future with can be painful. A woman experiencing the stages of no contact is likely to feel angry, sad, and lonely. While a woman is likely to feel sadness in the early stages of no contact, she will quickly get over her ex as time goes on.
In fact, based on our research you can expect the average ex to begin missing you anywhere between 2.5 to 5.2 months after a breakup assuming you put forth signals that you are “moving on from them.”
How long after no contact should I give up? ›
The effect of the healing process starts at the end of 30 days and continues thereafter. Being in two weeks of No Contact and giving up prevents you from healing completely and gives your ex the power to block you, give you the most unwanted answers, and leave you feeling hopeless.
Who will break no contact first? ›
Let your ex be the first one to break the no contact rule, especially if you're following it to try and get them back. It's easy to fall into a pattern of worrying about what other people think, but if reaching out to your ex and breaking the no contact rule is what's best for you, do it.
How do you ask for a second chance after no contact? ›
Here's exactly how you should go about asking for a second chance:
- Adhere to the value ladder concept.
- Getting to this place emotionally where you don't care to get them back anymore.
- Your conversations need to become more meaningful.
- Your dates should have a romantic progression.
- Learn to ask for them back the right way.
Signs Your Ex Will Eventually Come Back
- 1 They leave your number unblocked.
- 2 They're sad weeks after the breakup.
- 3 They're active on your social media.
- 4 They haven't returned your things.
- 5 They keep in touch with your friends and family.
- 6 They initiate contact regularly.
- 7 They reminisce about the past.
The psychology of no contact on the Dumper
Dumpers have it easier during no contact than dumpees — they move through the breakup stages much faster, for starters. Still, there are also many similarities when comparing the experiences of the two. Dumpers may also want their ex back.
What the dumper goes through during no contact? ›
These two are two different approaches from one another. The dumper and the dumpee, both go through pain, anxiety, fear of loss, jealousy, hate, and reconsideration through different stages. That's why during the No contact the dumper and the dumpee swap the feelings interchangeably.
How do you know if no contact isn't working? ›
How do you know that No contact isn't working?
- You are not able to move on; You are constantly thinking of your ex, how are they feeling, how are they doing, or what do they think of you?
- You only focus on winning your ex back and you aren't dealing with the pain and moving on;
25 telltale signs that the relationship is over for him
- He's asking for too much space, it doesn't make sense. ...
- You feel it deep within. ...
- You are also losing interest in the relationship. ...
- Communicating with him is like talking to the statue of liberty. ...
- He no longer initiates sex. ...
- Having sex with you feels like a chore.
How to know your relationship is over, falling apart and possibly beyond repair
- He makes little effort to communicate.
- He becomes evasive – avoiding anything to do with you.
- He pushes you away when you want to get close.
- He doesn't show up when he promised.
- He can't be bothered to be 'nice'.
- He is mean to you.
30 Signs Your Ex Is Over You and Not Pretending!
- They don't call you anymore. ...
- They are seeing someone new. ...
- They don't want to hang out. ...
- They can be in the same room with you without feeling sad. ...
- They stop flirting. ...
- They try to set you up with someone else. ...
- They return your stuff. ...
- They ask for their stuff back.
If you were in a long-term relationship
It is a difficult process to deal with since within days you go from investing your time and feelings for a long time in this relationship to no communication at all. After 45 days of No Contact, you can start to feel that you are not numb anymore from the breakup pain.
What do you say after a month of no contact? ›
A neutral response
I hope you're doing well. It's been a while since we talked. Tell me about what you've been doing in the last couple of weeks.” This neutral response doesn't set up any expectations and gives you some time to converse, feel things out, and then decide based on how you feel.
How do I get my ex back even if I seem impossible? ›
Steps You Can Take & Things To Say To Get Your Ex Back
- Give Them Space. ...
- Apply the No Contact Rule (Yes, Even on Social Media) ...
- Become a Person You Can Be Proud Of. ...
- Make Some Positive Changes in Your Appearance. ...
- Make Some Positive Changes in Your Mentality. ...
- Allow Yourself to Grieve for a While. ...
- Write a Journal.
They realize the relationship will never be stable
The No Contact rule will work if he has lost feelings to either make or break the relationship. If this distance makes him realize that the relationship was never stable, his feelings might not change.
What no contact does to a man? ›
Speaking on the subject, Dr. Bhonsle says, “While experiencing the no-contact rule, the man might go through anger, humiliation, and fear, sometimes all at once. Depending on the time of day, the man could feel any of these individual emotions or all of them together.”
Why does no contact help heal? ›
Going no contact is a tool that helps you heal a broken heart without continuously preventing the reparation of wounds caused by involvement with the other person. It helps you grieve a loss and break your addiction to a person.
How long is too long to contact an ex? ›
The rule of thumb is to wait 30 days before you speak to your ex once again. If you were together for a very long time and you break up, you may need to extend this to six weeks. At the most, 2-2.5 months is how long the no-contact phase should go.
How long should no contact last as the dumpee? ›
The no-contact rule refers to cutting off all contact with an ex following a breakup, and it's the best method for moving on from an ex. No contact should last for a minimum of 60 days, and it includes no texting, no calling, and no interacting on social media.
Will he think about me during no contact? ›
He'll start to get curious about you.
When he can't find out what you're up to, he'll start making his own stories—maybe that you're seeing someone, or you've given up on him. The less he knows about you during this time, the more he'll think about you during “no contact.”
If you average all the reputable research on the ex recovery process and chances of getting your ex back, there's about a 43.5% chance your ex will come back without doing anything. Those aren't exactly betting odds. That means six out of ten times you're probably not going to get your ex back.
How long does it take for the no contact rule to work? ›
~ 60 days of No Contact Rule: is a time frame when you do not interact with your ex in any form because you need a long time to move from the breakup and gain a new perspective of that relationship; What is this?
How many times does no contact work? ›
Not totally, but instead of 100% effective, it'll be around 90% effective. The next time you break it, you lose another 10% of effectiveness, and so on all the way down to zero. Each time you have to restart because you failed, No Contact will lose effectiveness.
What are the odds of getting back with your ex? ›
Do exes come back? You receive a lot of mixed messages when you begin wondering about your chances of getting back with your ex. Depending on your age, the type of situation you are in or your marital status, your chances of getting back together run from ten to sixty-five percent.
Is no contact always the best way? ›
No Contact is a technique that is effective because it helps people to stop thinking about each other and allows them to focus on themselves. It might feel challenging, but it's a constructive way of dealing with a painful situation.
Is a month enough time for no contact? ›
At the very least, the no contact rule requires that you keep radio silence for 30 days after the breakup. Depending on your situation, that void might have to extent for a few more weeks or months.
How long does it take for a guy to miss you after no contact? ›
In fact, based on our research you can expect the average ex to begin missing you anywhere between 2.5 to 5.2 months after a breakup assuming you put forth signals that you are “moving on from them.” We're going show you how we came to this conclusion by drawing on our knowledge on, Attachment Styles.
How long is no contact too much? ›
While 30 days is a good rule of thumb, everybody is different. Some people move on really fast after a breakup, while other people take a long time. If 30 days pass and you still aren't ready, it's totally okay to extend your period of no contact.
How do you know when your ex is truly done with you? ›
30 Signs Your Ex Is Over You and Not Pretending!
- They don't call you anymore. ...
- They are seeing someone new. ...
- They don't want to hang out. ...
- They can be in the same room with you without feeling sad. ...
- They stop flirting. ...
- They try to set you up with someone else. ...
- They return your stuff. ...
- They ask for their stuff back.
If you average all the reputable research on the ex recovery process and chances of getting your ex back, there's about a 43.5% chance your ex will come back without doing anything. Those aren't exactly betting odds. That means six out of ten times you're probably not going to get your ex back.
